at long last.

awhile back, like allllllllllllllll the way back in july, i went to inner-city memphis, tennessee on a mission trip that basically flipped my life upside down. it really did wonders to open my eyes and my heart to the world. it's taken me a long time to really pen down my thoughts and feelings about it, simply because the whole week was so full of stories and lessons.


the program we worked through is called StreetReach, which was originally intended for the so-called "street kids." when you hear this, most people get a mental image of a mom letting her kids out in the back yard to play, and not calling them back until dinner. at least that was the way it worked in my suburban childhood some days. it doesn't really work that way in memphis, though. i met kids who left their (probably empty) house in the morning and didn't go home except to sleep. their parents work multiple jobs, and most of the time they involve illegal activities like selling drugs or prostitution. the kids might not eat some days, and if they do they might have to obtain the food themselves. most of these kids have never experienced anything close to a healthy relationship, family or not. there are a few who have decent families, but they are definitely the minority. even though i only got to spend a week with them, they had my heart the first day.


first kid i met was jakalen. he was a trip, let me tell you. he wouldn't talk at first, but i started juggling these hula hoop things for him and we were friends after that. he did not stop talking the entire time i was there. he told me about his brother, and his friend who liked to play basketball, and about his new haircut (he had a spiderweb shaved into his very short hair. it sounds kind of funny, but it looked really cool.) and all sorts of things. he called me "big sister" the whole week, and he stuck to my side like glue.

this was before his amazing haircut. also, as a note on my t-shirt, we were the "storms" team and i made the design with fabric spray paint, a marker, and a piece of cardboard. i dearly treasure the memories made with that shirt.

and here's him putting on a necklace he made me. i didn't take it off until we were headed home, and that was only because the string was fraying. later in the week, a ton of kids gave me macaroni necklaces. 


also, check out the awesome haircut of the spider web! for real, i thought it was so cool.


the rest of the first day with the kids was spent carrying them on my back and presenting our bible story. not at the same time (although i'm sure they would've liked that).


first, the kids never ask if they can have a piggy-back ride, or whatever you'd like to call it. they say this: "can i git up on yo' neck?" they usually mean that they want to sit on top of your shoulders and become instant deadweight. and then they smile this really big smile, because they know you won't tell them no. trust me, you become a lot stronger than you'd think when they ask that.


there was one girl who asked to "git on my neck" who must have been 13 years old at least. she towered over my 5'1" stature, and looked to be about 30 pounds heavier, but i went ahead and carried her for a short period of time. like i said, you become a lot stronger than you'd think. my friend Forrest saved me by insisting to her that she needed to "share" me with another little girl, who was two. i was grateful for the switch, but my 13 year old compadre was not. at first, she refused to get off of me. it took quite a bit of coercing to convince her to not collapse me.


after that ordeal, it was time to present the story of baby Moses to the kids. for the younger ones, who were anywhere from 2 to 4, it was a lost cause. their thought process seemed to be something like this: dirt ground ooh an ant look at the sky and then i'll push the kid next to me and look at the sky again and now i'm back to the ant. 
but we did the best we could. 
the older kids, who went up to 12 years old, were very attentive, but that might've been because my partner alex was playing Moses's mother. he was therefore in a dress, which the kids loved.


after that, it was on to songs and carrying kids. my favorite song was "little red wagon." ask me about it sometime. i mean it, just ask me about it. i'll teach it to you. :)

prime example of what i did the whole trip.


by the end of every day, each one of us was literally dripping with sweat from the 100+ degree heat, but we were so happy.


the rest of the week stays in my mind not as linear events, but as a string of memories in no particular order. i remember personalities best of all, but a few key events still stick out in my mind.


in the whole bible camp of 60 kids, we had maybe 5 or 6 hispanic children. one of them was a 7 year old named Pablo. let me just say this now, Pablo was one cool kid. he could peel oranges like nobody's business, too. when we gave the kids lunch, it was very likely that there would be an orange that came with it. it was also very likely that the kids would have us peel them. i struggled with one orange for at least 4 or 5 minutes before Pablo walks over calmly, takes the orange, peels the whole thing in one big curly peel, and hands it back. he then says, with a thick accent, "you don't do this very much, do you?" i wish i could accurately describe his face. it was genuinely priceless.


after the first day, it was my job to run the crafts table, which ultimately was nicknamed the disaster table. every day, there would be art supplies everywhere. one day, the kids got bored scattering the beads we had, and they decided to make me into a living canvas.

this was before they literally covered my entire leg, but you can see my arm being held so it can be colored blue. that ended up in a sleeve of blue, green, and pink. i also had the entire alphabet down my shin. as well as my name written in several different colors.


there was also one little girl on our site named Mama, and Mama stole everyone's heart. she was four years old, and upon meeting (most) all of the girls we had staffing, she would ask to be picked up, hug you, kiss your cheek and declare you her sister. she would also assign you a new age. i believe i was six years old, according to her. everyone was her sister except Katie. poor Katie was assigned the age of one, and by Mama's logic she couldn't be her sister until she was two.

isn't she precious? :D


i came to memphis with two wrists full of silly bands. honestly, i had no use for them, since they had already passed their popularity here. i started giving them away the first day, and by wednesday i was entirely out. a lot of kids tried to give them back to me, as if they had only borrowed them. when i told them they could keep them, a lot of them were incredulous. they couldn't really grasp the concept of a stranger giving them something and expecting nothing in return.


the kids were pretty rowdy most of the time, and it was really hard to teach bible stories to them sometimes. it got pretty difficult for my friend sarah, because as soon as we got there she lost her voice for no apparent reason. when it was time for her to present her bible story, she, in her incredibly quiet and whispery voice, asked a group of 8 through 11 year olds to please help her out and be cooperative. the kids did not only take her literally and quieted the louder ones in the group, but they began to take the props from her and acted out the story for each other while she talked the best she could.


i learned so much over that trip. there was so much that i just don't even know how to put into words. God was really working  me as much as he was working through me. it meant so much to me to feel like i had a clear purpose, and it gave me a lot of insight as to what i want to do with the rest of my life.


God bless, friends.


Song of the Day: "No Sweeter Name" by David Walker, ft. Kim Walker (Listen -----> here)

Honey.

remember how i'm on a team called L'aMet? we performed at a facility for alzheimers and dementia patients recently. i love old people, so i was really excited to perform and talk with them.

the first day we got there was a shakedown on my nerves. i have a sincere heart for people with alzheimer's and/or dementia, mainly because my grandfather has it. i thought i'd be totally okay, and for about 15 minutes i was. it was heartbreaking, though, and i ended up breaking down afterwards. i can't even explain the strange cocktail of emotions i had. it was despairing, but with a sort of nostalgia and personal hurt mixed in. the second day, i was determined to be better, stronger, kinder. i had to be. i couldn't handle a second day like that.

once again, i performed, and once again i attempted to be loving and kind to the people there. it proved to be incredibly easier the second day. there was this wonderful, softspoken old man who was so much like my grandfather. after a brief period of small talk he told me, with near-perfect clarity, about his life as a stock-broker on wall street and how he used to travel the world. i also met his wife, who had married him only 13 years ago. *insert cheesy quote about love being timeless* she had one killer wedding ring, too. the diamond was the size of my thumb nail, i kid you not. he leaned over to me and whispered that he took out a loan for it and smiled. it was precious.

i also met this woman whose name was Honey, and let me tell you, the name suited her. she was as sweet as she could be, and (in my opinion) didn't have that bad of parkinson's or dementia. i was privileged enough to hear her life's story. she met her husband in WWII while they were both in the air force. they got married and stayed in the armed forces until vietnam, when they got caught up in an attack. her husband died, and she was captured as a prisoner of war for 3 years. she showed me her left hand, which was still bent and scarred from it.

she told me about how the grace of God got her through that time in her life, and how she was sure that He had big plans for her, even to this day. she cried a little bit as she recalled memory after memory. she told me she was sometimes still afraid, but that she had faith. she had a firm grasp on the grace of God and his plan for bringing her through all of that. i agreed with her wholeheartedly, and I still pray for that darling old woman.

Honey helped me immensely. God must have known how much i needed someone to speak truth to me that day. she encouraged me to persevere in the worst of times, because God is still good and He has a bigger plan. i remember her fondly, and i hope she's still there when we go back.

Song of the Day: "Beyond the Blue" by Josh Garrels (listen ----> here!)

updates! news! monsters!

i promise i've been working on the memphis post. it's almost done. in the meantime, though, i've decided to start blogging all those little stories that i don't feel are quite long enough for full posts. every time i come up with something, i decide it's too short or doesn't make any sense. i'm just going to post them all anyway. so for the next couple of blogs, they are going to be very short, and they're going to be about the strange people i've met in my life, unusual stories, and perfect random happenstance. it's going to be entertaining you guys, and i'll be posting on a more frequent basis. i think it's going to work out nicely, because i'm working on a weird schedule right now that only allows me to work in short bursts. i'll finish the memphis blog soon, and now when i do, you're going to be like AWAWOWOWOWOWAHHHHHWOW. it's that grand.


in other news, i've been thinking a lot about when i was a kid, and how i was the most optimistic, rose-glasses-wearing, bright-side-looking geek you've ever met in your whole life. i'm still a geek, for sure. but i'm re-teaching myself optimism all the time. it's not easy, but i think i'm starting to get the hang of it.


let's do something together. you know, the whole blogger-reader bonding...thing. humor me.


we can all agree that life is messy. there's too much to do. i mean just too darn much. we try to schedule in more than we can possibly accomplish in the time we've allotted, and we form enormous, jam-packed schedules. it doesn't go as planned, and just when you think you've got it down, things get all weird again. basically life can start looking like this.

that's Harrison the Unhappy Monster. nobody wants to be him right now. he's having a bad hair day because he forgot his umbrella as he dashed off to work with his cup of coffee and briefcase. on his way to work, he spilt his coffee on his tie, and therefore had to go without one today. he stopped at Starbucks briefly to get another coffee, much to the chagrin of his nearly-empty wallet. upon going back outside, he discovers his briefcase has been locked inside his car, along with his keys. he is, at present, waiting for a locksmith to come and get his briefcase and keys from his car. in other words, it's been a rough day for Harrison.


however, what Harrison does not know, is that at this very moment, there is a transfer truck hurdling down the highway at unsafe speeds. the driver of this truck, who is employed to move large amounts of mattresses, has been driving from boston to florida with very few breaks and absolutely no sleep. as he barrels down the rainy highway, he suddenly has a flashback of Dwight Schrute from The Office saying

"Before I do anything, I ask myself, 'Would an idiot do that thing'? And if the answer is yes, then I do not do that thing."

Suddenly, the mattress transfer truck driver, in his sleep-deprived delirium, determines that only an idiot would be a mattress transfer truck driver. he should not do this thing. he only wanted to grow beets. an idiot does not grow beets, and therefore he should do that thing. he decides to return to his ranch house near boston by making an immediate u-turn on the highway, causing a flurry of feathers to fly in all directions. fortunately, he landed upon a few of the spilled mattresses, and was completely unharmed.


remember our dear friend Harrison? you know, the one with the bad hair? if he had been on time to work, he would have gotten into a scuffle with a certain mattress transfer truck. his bad circumstances were entirely purposed to keep him out of even worse circumstances.


moral: look on the bright side. you never know what you might be missing. :)

Song of the Day: "Dog Problems" by The Format (listen ---> here!)

ohhhhhh, this has gotta be the good life.

no one will ever understand the gravity of this statement: i love college.


honestly, things have been absolutely glorious since i've started going here. people are actually nice. 
no, really, i'm serious. people go out of their way to do nice things for each other, and it happens ALL the time.


because people are so nice, i've made some really great friends. they're pretty interesting people.
one of my favorite people on campus (next to my best friend Jessica) has been marie. she rewards me with juiceboxes and nutella sandwiches for finishing papers. she also enjoys melting crayons and singing disney songs. follow her on twitter, you won't regret it. link ----> here.


she's my suitemate, and makes life entirely more bearable. we like to leave each other notes with obscure movie quotes on them. she also shares my love for intensely strange music.


i've also met a lot of people through a team i'm on called L'aMet. for those of you wondering, that's a hebrew word meaning "to show the truth." basically, it's a drama group with a lot of athletics. the technical term is human video, but essentially there are no props in our presentation. we are the set, as well as the people in the stories. last year's routine involved the walls of Jericho coming down. therefore, to make walls, there are people standing on top of other people's shoulders, each with their arms out, to represent walls. 
we're working on a routine about the life of Jesus right now, and let me go ahead and say it's going to be awesome. for those of you who are friends with me on facebook, i have the schedule posted there.


oh, and update: marie just walked into my room to give me a juicebox. i didn't even have have to do anything for this one. :)


so anyway, life is great. friends are fantastic, and i love college. i'm still working on this enormous blog for my summer adventures, including my mission trip and beach trips. it's gonna be pretty lengthy, so it's taking awhile to narrow down my thoughts into something that makes any sense. my summer flew by so fast.


i know i didn't say a whole lot of stuff here, so i'll make up for it. here's a picture i just drew. it's a raccoon that represents how i felt this morning. it was cold, and you could not have pried that cup of hot tea from my chilled morning hands. no sir.

Song of the Day: "Feel It In My Bones" by Tiësto feat. Tegan & Sara (listen --> here!!)

Pre-menstrual, Post-Potter.

well, by now we've all had the chance to see that the last Harry Potter movie is out.


i don't know about you, but i cried through almost the whole thing. it was absolutely astounding.


bear in mind that i'm not a movie crier. it takes a certain savoir faire to make me shed tears over a movie. Harry did it, though. mayyyybe it was the fact that i was pms'ing like no one's business, but i really found the whole movie to be deeply moving and emotional.


firstly, i didn't go to see it opening night. i wasn't brave enough to wait 3 hours in a line with fanatics who might attempt a spell or throw their Bott's beans at me. i also found it slightly ridiculous, the things people said about it. let me share some of my favorites:

"Comparing Twilight to Harry Potter is like comparing Rebecca Black to the Beatles."

"Butterbeer and a big pancake breakfast doesn't mix lol " 

"My childhood ends in a few hours. Just leave my body in the theaters please."

"Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend." 

"So just got back from Deathly Hallows Part 2 and it was epic they changed sooooo much stuff but still good and nothing was really left out so all good :) (like Ron and Hermione's kiss better in the book though it was good in the movie I'm just sayin lol" 

breathe. 


there were also a surmountable amount of spoilers posted. anyway, point is that i blew all of them off as rubbish. nonsense. all in all, i didn't think i would come close to the experience that everyone else had. boy, was i wrong. 


from the opening scene i felt like i was going to cry. i finally gave in three quarters of the way.


really, it's not because the movie was sad. don't think that. the reason i cried was because i felt like a piece of my generation, a part which helped define so many people, ended right before my eyes. there's not going to be a "next movie." it's quite possibly one of the strangest feelings i've ever gotten, but it was overwhelming.


i remember when the first book came out. i was in the second grade. my mom forbade me to read them, which made me so curious i couldn't stand it. my best friend at the time had a copy, and she lent it to me during the school day so i could keep it a secret from my mom. we acted like it was the most confidential piece of government documents, only passing it from one person to another when we were sure no one could see us. in my second grade mind, my mother was magical and possessed the ability to peer into my life at any moment and know when i did something bad. (usually she just found out because i'm a terrible liar, but still.) 


there was something about Harry that i instinctively liked. i'm pretty sure it was because he was always headed into some new adventure, with friends that would never leave his side. i was the introverted, bookish type who didn't have a ton of friends, and in the second grade, i definitely didn't have many adventures outside of the ones i made up. Hogwarts became, for me, something i could latch my imagination onto and live vicariously through Harry for a bit. i didn't get to read any more of the series for several years, and even then i couldn't read past book five. (that's another story altogether.) but the point is that i, like so many people, remember Harry Potter as a distinctively vivid bright spot in their childhood. my generation grew up with this kid. we laughed when he laughed, cried when he cried, and felt every victory or defeat he ever had. even if you didn't follow him avidly, you couldn't help but hear about him.


i remember when i was eleven i waited for my owl with an acceptance letter to come. i was really, truly shocked when it didn't.


when i watched that last movie, i felt like i was watching a piece of my childhood fall away into the past somewhere. in that moment, being "grown up" sucked. big time. for the first time, i was acutely aware of the past versus the present, and now i understand where all those statuses came from. 


except maybe the one about the butterbeer and pancakes.


for what it's worth, i salute you, Potter. this fist pump is for you.

Song of the Day: "Magic (University A Cappella Version)" by Ben Folds

P.S. i didn't like the fact that they showed Harry's kids after Harry was all grown up. BOO.

P.P.S my mom just re-reminded me that when i wasn't allowed to read Harry Potter, my grandmother had gotten me a first-edition copy of the whole series. yeah, go ahead and cry with me.

P.P.P.S. i still don't own any of the books. that's almost as sad. if you want to donate a book or two, i won't object. :)

technology's got it in for me.

hello, friends.

as many people who talk to me on a regular basis know, i’m up in tennessee right now. i had about 48 hours from the time i got home from the beach to unpack and repack, which is insanity. i waste far too much time for that to be adequate. needless to say, due to my inability to check, re-check, and re-re-check my bag, there were things that got left back at the house.

i basically spent those 48 hours trying to do something i find ridiculously difficult - motivating myself to do Boring Things. i had it in mind to do some of these things before i even left for the beach, but it didn’t happen. i put off a few things until the morning i was leaving, lazy bum that i am. i guess that explains why i forgot things at home.

however, in those 48 hours, i had a drastic revolution in my artistic experience. i’m a huge fan of StumbleUpon.com. if you’ve never used it, then you are probably one of those people who post facebook statuses like “I AM BOARD SOMEONE TXT ME PLZZZ”. (by the way, i almost always hide these people from my feed, so please refrain from confusing a piece of wood with a lack of interest.) anyway, StumbleUpon, the wonderful institution that it is, brought up THIS video...

and i HAD to try it. if this guy can do that in 37 seconds, i can surely figure it out.

i didn’t have any super-fancy-shmancy materials, i had $1.29 spray paint, a $3 canvas, two frisbees, a copper lid, and an old magazine. but i was really pleased with what happened as a result. also, as you will see later, technology is rebelling against me, so i can't put the precise pictures up. this computer refuses to upload them. so here -----> is the link to the less impressive, slightly blurry twitpic version of the finished product.

the whole thing took me about an hour, and that’s only because i had no idea what i was doing. i did a second one later, but i don’t have a good picture. i’ll do commissions for similar paintings, by the way, if anyone is interested.

OKAY, now let me tell you about today, which has been the worst day i’ve had in a really long time. i mean, a really long time

cliffsnote version: i spent 3 hours looking for a starbucks and ended up in the next county.

full version: i left my mimi’s house (which is in tennessee) at 5 for starbucks. i was actually going to starbucks for better wifi. you see, i’m on a mission team that’s leaving at the end of july and we have routine check-ins to make sure we are on the right track. this week was a check-in week, but at my mimi’s house her wifi isn’t strong enough to support skype. however, bound and determined not to miss a deadline, i set off for a starbucks which was supposedly less than 3 miles away.

bear in mind that i’m awful with directions as it is, much less in a state i’ve never really driven in. thus i have my handy dandy gps named Lola. she helps me find my way, normally. today she tried to kill me.

i was supposed to go to this starbucks, which was next to a target and a walgreens. this is very specific for one location, right? and odds are, there aren’t two places where a target and a walgreens would be together, ESPECIALLY if they are in the same city, right?

wrong.

Lola was trying to take me to a place that did not exist. 

let me emphasize that for those of you who are skimming this--THERE WAS NO STARBUCKS AT ALL WHERE LOLA WAS TAKING ME. 

oh, it was on the right road. and there was definitely a walgreens next to a target. here’s the thing -- it was on the opposite side of town. i’m not talking about my hometown that you can cross completely in 20 minutes. i’m talking about being 45 minutes in the wrong direction, after all was said and done, with multiple times of typing in “starbucks” for my destination. this is really weird, because i actually don’t remember driving that far. i remember calling my mom when i got to Wrong Target and telling her that i could not find this starbucks. i honestly just thought it did not exist, and the gps has merely taken me to an old starbucks location. it didn’t strike me until i’d been gone for 45 minutes and driven past the same walgreens/target shopping center 6 times that mayyyyybe i had gone wrong somewhere.

mom gave me the exact address for the starbucks i was supposed to go to, and i put it into Lola. it said that it would take me approximately 40 minutes to get there, which didn’t strike me as unusual. i mean, after all, i was lost.

on the way there, i stop at a different starbucks, because i figured that would do just as well, but mom said that i couldn’t be too far from the other one, and to just keep going. i pulled out of the parking lot and ended up face to face with a train at least a mile long. the train was at a dead standstill and didn’t move for at least two or three minutes.

at this point in time, after my darling Lola has failed me on multiple accounts, my phone begins to die. 

yeah, i know. just wait, it gets better.

so i drive for 40 minutes, just like Lola said. mom calls me every 15 minutes or so to check, and i tell her that yes, i’m on the right road, and no, i don’t think i’m lost anymore. i just kind of cruise down this incredibly trafficked area in blissful ignorance. i mean, i had the exact street address. surely fate would be kind at this point.

somewhere along this road, my youth pastor calls me to ask what’s taking so long. i tell him that i am hopelessly lost, and we have our meeting over phone instead of skype. this was both good and bad. good--i got the meeting done. bad--i ran my battery down to nearly nothing.

mom calls one more time to ask where i am. i tell her, in sequence, that i was passing a pawn shop, a burger king, a mcdonalds, and a children’s hospital.

she then informs me that i am no longer in the right town, much less anywhere near the starbucks i’m supposed to be at. oh no, i’ve managed to work my way into the downtown area of memphis, joy of joys. 

then my dad calls me. then mom calls me. then krissy calls me. i dutifully answer all of them, tell them my phone is dying, and get off the phone. mom calls me again to tell me which way to go, and i prayed that Lola could do something right for a change.

i knew i was headed in the right direction after that, because it told me the next turn would be into mimi’s neighborhood. however, it says that i’m going to need about 45 minutes and buckets of patience to get there.

traffic is obnoxiously heavy, i have little/no idea where i am, and then my phone dies.

oh, and for added irony, in the last 2.5 hours, i’ve passed no less than 6 starbucks that are NOT the one i was looking for originally.

i stop at this retro 80’s music store and try to use their phone to call mom. the lady was very nice, but basically she told me that their phone wouldn’t make out-of-state calls. that includes my mom’s cell number. by the grace of god, i was able to turn my phone on long enough to look up my mimi’s house number before it faded into a black screen again. mimi told me mom had gone out to look for me.

great.

i just turned on the radio and kept going. that was pretty much the highlight of all the time i spent alone. i found the one indie station that plays all of the weird music i love, specifically music by the Civil Wars. it wasn’t a heap of comfort, but at least i got 3 minutes and 25 seconds to sing “Barton Hollow”.

down the road a little ways, the radio station went out. just my luck.

mom ended up seeing me and pulling up beside me. she then led me to the starbucks i was originally supposed to be at 3 hours earlier. i was a heap of shredded nerves and was just happy to have someone know where i was.

to top off this comedic story of woe, as soon as i got out of the car to finally go into starbucks, the sky rumbled, cracked with lightning, and began to pour torrential rain.

i’m dead serious.

mom, as a consolation for 3 hours of insanity, bought me a frappucino, bless her heart. i followed her back.

so there you have it. today, i was victimized by every technology i trusted. mac, gps, and phone all conspired against me.

if i wake up dead tomorrow because i’ve been mysteriously electrocuted, at least you will know the truth.

now, if you’ll excuse me, i’m going to watch Labyrinth because David Bowie makes me feel like life might be worth living again.

Song of the Day: Barton Hollow by The Civil Wars. this song helped me keep my sanity.

On graduating, and on my disappearance.

i am painfully aware of how i've been absent from my blog. i am sincerely sorry. i can mainly attribute it to the fact that my internet has been rather spotty, and also how i have been excruciatingly busy getting ready for this whole graduating nonsense. (as a note of emphasis on the internet issues, i'm writing this right now WITHOUT internet. i plan to post it later when our wifi is back up. rest assured, i've written about a dozen or so full blog posts that become irrelevant by the time i am able to post them. i even had a good one about the musical and all the shenanigans from that, but alas, that ended months ago.)

so here i am, waiting to graduate in two days. well, by the time this goes up on the internet, i'd lay money that i've already graduated. it's kind of got me thinking about my future, and what i really want in this life. there's nothing that makes you question the rest of your life like 90 billion people asking, "so, what are you going to be?" personally, i always wanted to become a psychologist. yeah, a shrink. not the kind that asks weird questions and prescribes tons of medications, but a counsellor. someone who genuinely helps people. i also want to be a missionary. and an artist. and a ukulele player. and a fluent french speaker, which is called a francophone. i want a lot of things. i generally just tell people about the psychologist bit.

so how do you feeeeeeel about that? :)

one of my great muses, Amanda Palmer, has recently been tweeting "eff plan B". in otherwords, pick what you want most, make that plan A, and go for it. don't worry so much about plan B that you miss out doing what you love. i really like that idea, but at the same time, it is absolutely petrifying to not have a backup plan. if i don't get a job after grad school, i might end up selling cheap art and playing my ukulele on the side of the road for money. but i'd rather go with trying to become a psychologist than pick a guaranteed career that i would hate. and furthermore, i might just end up selling my cheap art and playing uke on the street anyway, no matter what my job is. you know, for funsies.

i seriously wanted to give a speech at graduation this year. i didn't get picked, which was their loss, i guess. 

no, they'd rather have the kid who ended up on truancy and has more absences than days present. but it's okay, i'm not upset. i just find incredible irony in it all. i go to a weird school.

correction, i WENT to a weird school.

in all seriousness, i've had a really great time in high school. i've survived, and even made it out with some really great stories. these great stories usually end up with me making a new friend and/or sustaining a minor injury.

one of my personal favorite memories comes from my freshman year, when i met Chance. we had world geography together, which was a joke of a class. most of us spent a better part of the period passing notes and counting the number of times Mr. Blackston used the word "um." he was absolutely terrible about assigning tons of these meaningless filler projects. after assigning yet another mind-numbing piece of research, chance went up to blackston and said the following--

"quite frankly, i'm tired, and bloated, and cramping, and i'm just not sure i'm emotionally ready for this!"

he didn't have to do the project.

AND he got an A for it.

my dear friend is a genius.

i'm ridiculously worrying about my college experience, if only for the fact that Chance won't be in it as often. people do not understand how he helps me function on a daily basis. in his words, it's his job to "keep tiffany's crap together." he's a pretty sufficient solution to many of my problems. without him, i would not know the date, the time, the day of the week, my assignments in french class, the best way to navigate myself to a point 2 miles from my house, how much a mcflurry with tax costs, or how to make coffee cookies. basically, i would cease to exist.

i love him ALOT.

(i did not make that grammatical mistake unknowingly. see this LINK (clickity click here!!) to see my reasoning. if you don't laugh, then you must have a serious issue and need to seek immediate medical attention.)

oh, i have the normal worries about missing my family, never sleeping, enormous classes, gas money, and so on. i just have a hard time knowing i must become… self-sufficient. *gasp!*

but, as with all things, life moves on. i heard this quote once, and i never can fully remember it verbatim, but it goes something like this: "happiness is perpetually transforming itself. it must be allowed to transfer itself, and one cannot mourn the change." basically, life is always good, even when it seems like it's not. happiness is always somewhere in life. it just never stays put. and if you mourn losing happiness in one area, you may miss it in another. so that's what i'm doing. i'm kind of in this carefree bubble right now, and my life seems a little more radiant every day. i'm kind of hoping it never ends. but if things don't turn out the way i expect, and they usually don't, then i'm going to pick myself up and look for joy elsewhere. it's been a tough lesson to learn, but i'm thankful for it.

take that, truant kid who gets to speak at graduation. you know who you are.

i can't believe that part of my life is really over. i have a mix of emotions about it, but mainly i'm just excited to be able to move on. i'm planning to reinvent myself this summer. step one -- new haircut. 

in the words of my dear friend @schoffyy, "ONWARD TO GRADUATION!"

i had a really great picture to accompany that. my scanner hasn't been hooked up yet. it will be put up eventually, though. basically, it's me riding a unicorn in my cap and gown, and i point, conquistador-esque, at the future.

Song of the Day: "Highway Unicorn" by Lady Gaga (this is kind of what i hear when i look at that picture.)